Fireball XL5 and the 2000A.D. Revamp

Written by Robin and Pauline Day
Based on the Gerry Anderson Fireball XL5 t.v series.

It was a pleasant evening out on the Pacific Island location of Space City - headquarters of the World Space Patrol.
Doctor Venus was being driven home by Steve Zodiac. They'd been out to the movie theatre..
"Steve that was real boss seeing those really old space movies."

Steve nodded as he accelerated the air car now they were out of town.
"Yeah - it's fun to see what folks of a hundred years ago thought about space travel."

"Yes, and the people seemed so old fashioned compared with today."

"They sure were" Steve chuckled, "The funny clothes and hairstyles they had back then…"

They chatted happily as the car neared Attello Beach.
"I didn't like the monsters though… " Venus was saying, "They were a little scary."

Steve grinned, "I guess they were pretty tame compared with what we've been up against - but the film makers did a good job - considering the primitive technology they had back in those days.

Steve stopped his car outside the pleasant little beach house. The car settled gently to the ground.
The colonel helped Venus out of the car and they headed for the front door.
"Okay Venus, I'll be heading back to my apartment - we'd both better get some sleep."

"Okay Steve - we start another real-life space mission tomorrow."

Steve smiled, "Hey - don't go having any bad dreams about bug eyed monsters. "

Venus shook her head, "I'm far too professional to let silly old films give me nightmares Steve - After all - I am part of a real space-ship crew."

Venus opened her front door, the lights came on automatically. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a coffee Steve?"

"No thanks Venus - I'd best get home - sweet dreams."


A short while later Venus went to bed, her head still full of old 20th century science fiction movies.

Another day.. another mission…
Steve and Venus were heading towards the Space City Control Tower.

Venus had a new hairstyle - a new image.
"Well Steve, what do you think?"

Colonel Steve Zodiac looked at the 'new' Venus.
"Gee Venus… your hair…it's…. it's… it's as if you've just been in a fight with a 1960's lawnmower…"

Venus laughed, "Good - that's exactly what it should look like! It's authentic - just like in the history books. Isn't this fun? We're all going to look real Boss with our new look uniforms."

"If you say so Venus…." Steve didn't sound like he thought it was all that much fun.
"I don't like these new-style uniforms…. They look like boiler suits."

Venus laughed again, "They are boiler suits Steve. Jock uses them when he's doing a dirty job."

Steve was not happy, "But - I'm a Colonel… in the World Space Patrol…"

"Steve…. Seventy years ago all space heroes wore drab looking work clothes…."

Steve shrugged, "Oh."

"Besides Steve,"Venus encouraged, " black does suit you."

Matt met Steve and Venus as they entered the Tower.
He noticed Venus's new hairstyle straight away, "Why Venus - you look like you've been in …."

Venus spun on her heels to give the professor a good look. "… a fight with a 1960's lawnmower… yes….do you like it?"

Matt shook his head, "Frankly, I guess not Venus."

"Gee Matt - you have to move with the times!" Steve scolded gently.

Matt grumbled as he followed his friends into the elevator, "Yeah - I know that Steve - but why in tarnation do we have to look like people from the late 20'th century?"

Steve thumbed the control panel, "Don't worry Matt - Commander Zero will explain everything… I hope. "

As the elevator ascended Venus looked more closely at Matt, "Professor - what happened to your eyes?"

Matt waved a hand to indicate his new eye-wear, "It's okay Venus - these are just dark glasses to make me look like I'm in a an old style turn of the century t.v. show. All the heroes wore them in those days."
"Can't see a darn thing though…"

Steve grinned, "Well at least that hasn't changed."

A few moments later, Venus, Matt and Steve entered the main control room.

Commander Zero greeted them, "Good to see you… er… I mean… Where in blazes have you useless excuses for a spaceship crew been?"
Zero turned his head briefly to speak to his assistant, "Did I do that right Ninety?"

Lieutenant Ninety looked up from his new console.
"Er yes Commander. Only you should swear a little more - they did that a lot in the late 20th century - it was sort of expected."

"Okay… okay. I'll get the hang of it.

Venus cast a long glance at the handsome young Lieutenant. "Lieutenant - do you cook a good breakfast?"

Ninety blushed. "Why sure Doctor Venus."

"Good - you can come and see me next time I'm on leave."

Steve was looking a little worried.
"Say, Venus - what was all that about?"

"Oh nothing Steve - just getting into my new old-fashioned role."

Commander Zero coughed impatiently.

"Now Commander, I've told you before - you should not smoke so much!" Venus scolded.

"Enough!" bellowed the Commander.
"Colonel Zodiac - you will take the new updated Fireball XL5 out to sector two - five and look for something dark and sinister…"

Venus stopped admiring Ninety for a moment, "What is it Commander?"

"We don't know yet Doctor Venus - the script has not been finalised - but it'll be dark and it'll be nasty."
The Commander paused wondering what the heck Venus had done to her hair. Venus smiled at his stare. "Anyway," he continued, "As you know - we've been told that the World Space Patrol has to be updated."
Zero paused to make sure he had everyone's attention.
"Between you and me _ I don't like it. Updating is fine…. We do that all the time - we've come a long way since the old TA2.

Steve nodded - "Boy that sure was a primitive spaceship - they even had old fashioned space suits.."

Zero looked at his boots. "Er I was coming to that …. You'll have to wear space suits if you go outside the ship…"

"But why?" exclaimed Venus. "What about the oxygen pills? After all, this IS 2065."

"Sorry, no oxygen pills Venus - we are back to spacesuits."

Zero held up an old fashioned palm top computer. "This is the Plan. It says we have to make all our ships and crews look like they came from the late 20th century - it's called 'updating'. More important than that - as you may already know - you will be expected to adopt the attitudes and mannerisms of the people living over 60 years ago.

"That's horrible." remarked Venus.

"That's terrible." remarked Matt.

"Why 'update'?" queried Steve.

"BECAUSE" stated Commander Zero.
He spread his hands in a helpless gesture, "Look I don't like this any more than you do - but it's expected."

"Expected by whom?" asked Venus.

"Them." said Zero.

"How like them…. Sighed Colonel Zodiac.

The newly updated XL5 crew headed for their newly updated ship

"Er Steve… you may notice a few… minor… differences in Robert…."

Steve glanced at Matt, "Minor differences?"

"Yes… they were 'required' for this mission."

"Ok…Matt. I'll take a look when we get aboard….."

Venus paused, drawing a large black gun from her holster.
"Well boys how do you like this? I get to carry a gun in the remake."

"Gee Venus.. is that right? You're a doctor.. not a …."

"…not a Colonial Marine?" Venus smiled.
"Back in the old days 2d Television had to feature women carrying guns. The fact that I'm a doctor is not important. "

"Well… all the same Venus - don't wave that gun around like that…."
"It's dangerous - it's an updated ray gun…."

"Yeah Venus, Steve is right. These guns are real vicious."

"You mean they are not like our usual coma rayguns?"


"By no means Venus. These updated guns only have two settings…..explode target and dismember target."


"That's horrible…..but there are three buttons Matt…"


"Oh yeah Venus, the third button is for slow motion…."


Holstering her gun, Venus leapt on to her hoverbike.
"C'mon you guys - let's kick some <expletive deleted>!


Matt shook his head…. "I don't think I'm gonna like this one little bit…."

A few minutes later, to the sound of some thudding monotonous dance music…..
"Well it's good to be back…… "
Steve stepped inside the cockpit, "Hey what the heck have they done to my ship????"

Venus took his arm, "Calm down Steve or I will have to administer a sedative….".

"I can't help it…" stammered the new Steve Zodiac, "I think I'm going to cry…."

"Steve - what's wrong?" Matt hurried in to see the Colonel being comforted by Venus.

"It's OK Matt - he's just getting into the part - he has to be a late 20th century hero - they weren't up to much I'm afraid….."
Venus patted Steve on the head, . "Now - run along and get me some coffee!"

Steve pulled himself together with an effort and headed for the door.
"Er.. sure Venus - hey is that right? I'd feel a right tootie if I got this wrong."

"Yes Steve. Although you are a Colonel and I am your subordinate - I'm also a woman. Women don't get coffee in those old fashioned early 21st century 2d television shows - it wasn't politically correct.".

"Say, Steve, careful how you go back there " said Matt helpfully, "They've, er, adjusted the lighting."

"Yeah", called back Steve as he headed aft, "I see what you mean - so dark and gloomy."
The door hissed closed behind Steve as he trotted off to fix the coffee.

Venus looked around the new Junior cockpit. "Matt - is that Robert?"

"Sure is Venus - he's been fully updated to look like he was made for a 1990's t.v. show."

In the co-pilots seat a very human looking Robert turned to speak to them, "Welcome aboard. I am ready to procede with the launch."
His face was humanoid, but very pale.

"That's fine Robert - start the pre launch checks."

"Yes sir. I am initiating pre launch procedures now."

"I suppose it's an improvement on the old Robert…." Venus wasn't very sure.

"Now now Venus - this is progress - or at least it's regress."

Meanwhile, in the Control Tower….
Lieutenant Ninety - why isn't the tower rotating?"

"Er, well sir, it's the new updated sytem - it doesn't rotate…."
"Oh…. "
"And sir…. You really shouldn't be smoking…."

"Damn! Forgot. Commander Zero sadly tossed his cigarette into the recycle bin.
"But Ninety - this is ridiculous….. I was born in 2015 - My parents smoked - I smoke - lots of people smoked back in the early 21st century. I thought we were supposed to look like we were back in those days…"

"You are right sir… but television was censored so only bad guys were allowed to smoke."

"Well. can't I be a bad guy then?"

Lieutenant Ninety stroked a few buttons on his touch sensitive control panel.
"Gee - I'm sorry Commander - I was wrong…… You can smoke sir…."
On Ninety's screen a flashing text message read 'Commander Zero is real bad in this story"
Ninety was worried. Zero was bad enough as a good guy - he wasn't going to like this updated World Space Patrol.

Over in Fireball XL5 Steve had finished serving coffee and was ready for launch.
"Fireball XL5 - all systems go go go!"

A pause.

Robert spoke.
"Colonel I should point out that proper launch system protocol requires you should state "XL5 to Tower - we are ready for launch".

"Oh."

Commander Zero glanced down at the sleek ship on the launch rail.
"No worries Steve - you're clear….." a pause….."Get that ship in the sky Mister or I'll have you out of this service so fast…."

"More swearing sir…" prompted Ninety nervously.



Steve studied the controls.

"Gee there sure are a lot of screens here…."

"Yes Colonel." Robert replied. "Each panel is fully programmable for any ship operation you desire to select."

"Er, how do I make this ship go?"

"You simply say "Engage" Colonel.and I'll take care of that for you."

Steve considered the array of displays - all had scrolling text and flashing icons.
"Okay…..Engage!"

Robert's hands moved deftly over several panels - his fingers a blur of speed.

Silently XL5 began to move down it's launch rail.
"I don't hear anything Robert…"

"No sir - we launch the ship via a complex mesh of interlaced magnetic fields."

"Gee.. this feels strange - no boosters firing…."

"In the final cut sir they will over dub dance music so the launch will not appear silent."

"Oh - swell…."

Steve settled back and watched the view.
The great ship swept upwards into the sky. A flock of wild geese chose that moment to artisically fly across the horizon.

Doctor Venus was having a discussion with Matt.
"So I threw him out! I said 'Pack your bags and get your rotten carcass out of my beach house. My career comes first - I'm a career woman - I'm a <expletive deleted> professional! How DARE you ask me what's for dinner!!!!"

"Venus?"

"Don't worry Matt it's all part of the remake - I have to be a 'now' sort of person.

"Oh yeah - gritty realism - I remember. What should I do Venus?"

"Well Matt - you have to be really cold and heartless - you know - like someone from Planet 46."

"But Venus those guys were pure evil….."

"Yes Matt - but in this revamp you are supposed to be a hero from old style television - they were all cold and heartless in those days. Nobody does anything without an ulterior motive."
"I get the picture - I guess..." Matt pondered.
Venus struck up an arrogant pose.
"And I have to show that I'm tough and my career comes before everything else. Everything!"

Suddenly an alarm sounded thoughout the ship, "Alarm! Alarm! - Space City calling!"
Venus rushed to the cockpit to see Steve fighting with the controls (some of which had started to fight back).
"What is it Steve?" Venus asked anxiously.

Steve pointed to the radio, "It's the Space City alarm Venus - it's an emergency!"

The ship began to spin, the stars swirled about Venus as she desperately tried to focus her blurry eyes.

Over the intercom Space City was calling frantically over and over,
"Space City alarm! - This is Space City alarm!…"

"Oh…the alarm!" Venus abruptly sat up in bed, brushing her long blonde hair from her face." "What a tootie I am……"

Zoony began to sleepily repeat the message,
"This is Space City Alarm Service….. Howdy folks…"

Venus yawned and stretched - "Hello Zoony. Yes it's time to get up."
She reached out and patted her pet lazoon. "You know Zoony, you are lucky you weren't in my dream - you'd have been updated too…It's so good to wake up in 2065!."

"Welcome…ho-o-me….." Zoony crooned happily, his big sleepy eyes half closed.

The end.